My love, you’re perfect as you are: I’m gonna change you

No human can live without any of its forms, whether is fraternal, motherly or lovers love.

So-called irrational love, (despite there is nothing more irrational than love), like uniquely self-loving, or obsessing love though, can be destructive.

Certainly, the idea he is proposing, a “making marriage a 2-year renewable deal”, would avoid the disguising effects of falling in love.

It is a fact that when you are in love, accordingly to the studies of Arthur Aron, and Domeena Renshaw among others, 

the brain is literally flooded by a mixture of dopamine, adrenaline and other chemical reactions which inevitably, alter our reasoning as badly as cocaine or opiates do.

We would consider nuts someone who would take decisions which would affect his/her entire life under the effect of drugs. But lovers do.

If this “drugs flooding” is something inevitable, how our oldies managed to have long lasting marriages, just a generation ago?

By those days, at least in my country, an engagement was supposed to be carried at least two to three years. During this time, the couple would expend their time together getting ready their future life, including material things like a home and what it was needed on it, a place where to grow the future children, as well as building relationships with each other’s relatives.

They had to face many difficulties together, so along the way, they got to know each other, goods and bads, and learned how to live with each other.

If something was not fitting, both had the opportunity to step back in the security of each one’s home, and get advising from their parents on how they surpassed similar difficulties, who could talk from the perspective of the experience and not influenced by the “drugs flooding”, with an objective point of view focused on the best result.

Whenever it happened that the marriage was non-viable, it could be seen with time to fall back and no harm was done, no suffering, no children in grievous situations like nowadays.

We have wrongly reverted the process

As above described, the process of getting married was in the end like:

• Getting to know someone

• admiring him/her

• trusting him/her

• loving him/her

•  learning about/of him/her

• adapting to him/her, struggling to build a life together

• needing him/her in a way that a sole life was not thinkable anymore, on which every single thing was needed to be done as two parties decision in order to be complete and satisfactory.

• Marriage

Nowadays, the process is like this:

• Needing someone with selfish purposes, like independence or personal targets

• Making our own plans about the kind of marriage that should fit us

• Looking for someone who fits in our plans

• Making ourselves desirable to the eyes of the other, according to the other's premises, but just in appearance, no real intention of adaptation intended.

• Sex like if it was no tomorrow

• Setting the “love nest” with no effort

• Marriage

• Deception

• Untrustworthiness

• Need of self-realisation

• Professional counsellors short after

• Divorce

In short, we have forgotten that marriage is “us” instead of “I and you”.

People get married thinking that the other will provide the parts missing on us, while it is the other way round. We need to be complete before, so we have something to offer and not just incomplete personalities.

Marriage is about being generous, not selfish, and be ready to build something else which inevitably will change us as individuals becoming something else, not him, not her, a combination of both, two parts of one unit.

And yes, my love, you’re perfect as you are: I’m gonna change you, and you will do it willingly.

There is no better way to describe it as it was done in As good as it gets, see it in youtube " You Make Me Want to Be a Better Man - As Good as It Gets" 

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